Dear Diary: Thoughts Over Coffee

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

I'm a huge lover of personal posts, no matter what they're about. Whether it's about something someones been through or just a little post updating everyone on what they've been up to. I find them so interesting and thinking about it I probably love them more than the beauty posts. So I decided to add a Dear Diary series to my blog, where I can talk about various topics that interest me or sharing with you guys what I've been getting up to. So grab yourself a drink and some snacks and prepare yourselves because this post is deffo gonna get deep. 

The other day, I was sat in Starbucks (so white girl of me, I know) watching people get on with their lives, people on their way to work or meeting up friends. Then I found my mind wandering as you do when you're sipping coffee and I found myself thinking about my experience with friends, the struggles I went through and how finally, after years of having nobody, I now have people I can call my best friends. 

So here I am, writing this post, actually feeling kinda sick while writing it. 

If you asked me a couple of months ago what was the one thing I've always wanted more than anything, I wouldn't even need to think about it. I'd automatically respond with friends. Because friends are something I've never had. I've never felt included, wanted or loved within a group of people before. I reached the grand old age of 20 before I found my best friends. I know so many people who have kept friends from high school, even primary school and I could never wrap my ahead around it. Like how can you be friends with the same people for so long?! Because my experience was just so different to everyone else's. My primary school experience wasn't the best, I had my fair share of nasty comments thrown in my direction and I wasn't treated very nicely. I thought high school would be different, as cliche as it sounds I thought it would be like those American movies, ya know the movies I'm on about. Where everyone got on and you did everything with your best friends (I'm laughing at how wrong I was, oh bless 11 year old me). I suppose I was deluded or stupid in a way, but my naive self thought everyone was as nice and pleasant as me. High school was the worst time of my life and I'd never wish it on my worst enemy. Nobody should have to go to school each day, not knowing what was going to be said behind their back, bending over backwards to keep those people happy so they had nothing bad to say about you, only to go home and just cry every night because why you? Why does everyone hate you? 

Looking back, I honestly don't know how I managed to go day to day without telling someone. My parents knew what was happening, but I never told any teachers. I had to stop my parents going into school so many times in the fear it would only get worse. While all this was going on I had my GCSE's to revise for which is a stressful time anyway without everything else I was going through on top of it. I was making myself ill, my physical and mental health was badly affected and I just remember counting down the days until I left school for good.

Although I counted down the days until I left, everything that had happened still continued to affect me after school. I was convinced and made to believe that everything happened was my fault, that I was the bad one and I carried that around with me for years. I know deep down none of it was my fault but I used look back sometimes and wonder, was it me? Was there something I could of done different? Could I have been nicer? And the real answer is no. 

So that's the deep stuff out the way, now onto the happy part of this blog post. Be prepared to feel all the feels.

If you haven't read my previous post, just over a month ago I was added into a group chat of people who were attending one of the Once Upon A Smile charity football matches. And it feels crazy to be even typing the sentence but that group of people, who were once complete strangers are now my best friends. 

Never in a million years did I think I would utter those words. It still feels kinda surreal, like I'm going to wake up and it's all a dream and I'll just go back my old life as such. (I'm sorry that was really cheesy, I do apologise). But it's true, I'm so used to being treated like rubbish I'm just waiting for something bad to happen and for life to go back the old days.

But you know what really gets me down? I finally find people who I have something in common with, who I love more than anything and I can't see them every week because they live everywhere. I can't just phone them up and be like "meet at revs in 1hr" because it would take at least 3 hours for everyone to get here. Damn distance. Why is teleportation not a thing???

Don't get me wrong, our group chat is always going off and we're all always talking about what's going on and updating each other on everything, but when we do meet up and we do get to see each other, it does makes it extra special and we all hug one another that bit closer.

As I'm writing this we're all discussing the deets for next week when we reunite and it just makes me so happy. I'm so happy and that's another thing I never thought I would say. I never thought I'd feel this happy and I never thought I'd have best friends. But there's one person that without them, I wouldn't be this happy and I definitely wouldn't have the best friends that I do. So, Danny Miller if you're reading this (which you probably aren't), thank you, I will never be able to tell you how grateful I am that you, Robron and Sidley brought us all together. I owe you everything and more. 

Wow that was extremely soppy, I think that's my queue to leave. I'm off to have some yogurt and watch the Olympics. Over and out.

P.S - To all those people out there, who are alone, who feel like they'll never have someone they can call a best friend, listen to me when I tell you, your time will come. Trust me. If you ever need to talk my twitter is @inthelifeofhan. 
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